As fresh as the air,
Like a blade slicing through the wind,
We glide as one you and I,
Even as one lives and one dies.
The scent of flowers ride on the air,
It hits my nose and I turn and glare,
I circle ’round when I see weak prey,
As in 1 dive, with my mouth wide open.
I play with my prey like mouse and cat,
Hit it back and forth repeatedly,
After I have done I finally feast,
On his tender flesh.
At last I return to my nest,
On a mountain top with my hatchlings,
I feed them what’s left of the fish,
As I head for the clouds,
To rest I seek to do this again everyday.
July 4, 2013 at 10:24 pm
Tyrese,
You have created a thing of beauty here. There are many things I love about this poem, but the feature that stands out the most to me is the choices you’ve made about the line breaks.
I keep going back to read this:
As fresh as the air,
Like a blade slicing through the wind,
We glide as one you and I,
Even as one lives and one dies.
…because it really evokes such a strong feeling of exaltation and sadness.
Please read this to the class tomorrow.
What would be a good title, do you think?
Mr Waugh
July 4, 2013 at 10:36 pm
What he said.
As I told you earlier, Son, you’ve learned more about the English language in the past year than I’ve learned in the last 42.
You’re a very gifted young man and if this is how you start out then who knows what you can go on to achieve.
We’re all very proud of you.
July 4, 2013 at 10:40 pm
Wow! What a great poem, really evocative. It reminds me of the ospreys I’ve been watching on the web in Wales (they have their own webcam…). That first verse is really powerful – controlled and carefully crafted. Good work.
July 4, 2013 at 10:54 pm
Hi Tyrese
I am an English teacher in another school. I hope you don’t mind if I comment on your poem. One of the things that I thought was most beautiful, particularly in the first stanza, was the way the number of ‘beats’ in the lines links so closely with the meaning of the words you have used. We all think we know what ‘as fresh as the air’ means. However, the fact that line has 2 beats whereas the rest of the lines in the stanza have 3, hints at the lightness of the air – it seems so indefinite. In addition, your choice not to use a comma in the third line between ‘glide’ and ‘you and I’ helps create a sense of ‘you and I’ being connected and ‘gliding’ without interruption.
You should keep writing!
Mrs Pulleyn
July 4, 2013 at 11:06 pm
Just beautiful writing. Like a blade slicing through the wind. Wow!
July 5, 2013 at 3:23 pm
I like the first stanza when you wrote:
We glide as one you and I
Even one live and one dies
This was like a bird eye view as a friend I like it
I would never give you a criticism because it just too good
July 5, 2013 at 3:25 pm
It is a good poem but maybe you should live to lines and talk a little about the poem
July 8, 2013 at 8:27 am
Tyrese I hope that you don’t mind that I shared your poem at a talk I did for teachers and other educators at the United Kingdom Literacy Association at the weekend. Also, Mr Waugh, your comments! And all the others. This was after a great talk from the writer Aiden Chambers about the power of writing in our lives. I hadn”t planned to do it I just suddenly remembered the last great example I’d seen and shared it and it was your work! There’s more to come from you I know! Keep going with it and good luck!
John
July 8, 2013 at 10:17 am
Thanks I would love it
July 8, 2013 at 10:40 am
Wow great work my mind was pushed away by all the words are veery
Use full the poem
Score out of ten
10
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10